He’s dead, gym

A couple of months ago I was at the gym late at night and to no surprise, the only other people in a 24 hour gym at that time were three dudes. The real surprise was they weren’t trying to “out bro” each other. They were three friends, standing together in a triangle in the free weight area, just touching each other on the pectoral. Not in a sexual way, just three guys appreciating the effort they each put into their body, like a ménage a trois of show judges looking for a prize winning cow. In fact, the only weirdo there was me trying to take a picture. 

I’ve only recently returned to the gym. I’m not a gym junkie or a fitness freak or any other athletic alliteration but I enjoy a podcast, a dopamine hit and pointless physical labour. This, however, was not my initial motivation because gyms are all about vanity. For as long as I’ve been going to the gym, gyms have tried to sell themselves as being for all sorts of things; self esteem, weight loss, abs, health, fitness, intimidation, the movie ‘300’, mindfulness, functional fitness. But at its core gyms are always about vanity. People go to the gym to feel better about the way they look. You swipe card your way into a box of recycled air full of testosterone and ball sweat so you won’t be repulsed by the idea of being naked. Always vanity.

Vanity itself can take many different forms. What made me quit the gym last time was a guy, who in between sets, would go up to the big wall mirrors, look at himself, and mime kneeing people in the face. How vain do you have to be to make sure you still look good while you end people? He looked like the kind of guy that didn’t need the mirror, presumably because of all the security footage released by the police.  

There are a lot of problems with gyms. It’s no surprise not everyone feels comfortable within that environment. There’s the intimidating dude ‘bro’ personality types, body dysmorphia, fat shaming in social media and the wider community, Bluey, or even leering eyes that follow your active wear around the room. But there are good things too. The gym should be for everyone, because you see people achieving goals and personal records and genuinely amazing things. And sometimes just get to feel up your hetero life mates.

Years ago, so long ago podcasts weren’t really a thing, I was at a gym doing some core exercises on the floor. I’ve always hated core work so my mind and ears were wandering around the room. I latched on to a conversation between a trainer and, presumably, a new client. They were halfway through an introductory session when the conversation turned to occupations. The trainer asked, “So what do you do?” 

“I’m a barrister”, she told the trainer.

“Oh I love coffee!” He didn’t mean it as a joke, but it is really hard to stifle a laugh in the plank position. The barrister was easily in her late 50’s, and I could only imagine the patriarchal resistance she punched her way through every day in a profession tarnished by lawyers. Only for her to take that money she earned and pay for a man with a neck squeezing out the top of a shirt two sizes too small saying “I love coffee!” Amazing. Genuinely amazing. A new personal record for pronated laughs.

There are a lot of problems with the way gyms and social media have turned exercise into a literal arms race. I get how Bandit Healer getting on a pair of scales can be triggering for sections of the community. Not at first, but I get it now and I’m not upset that the scene has been removed from the episode. However, as a writer I get how efficiently that symbol conveys to the audience a lot of information in a short amount of time; a dad, not happy with the way he looks and feels, wants to look and feel better but is conscious of time. Although clunky in hindsight, the point of the episode is that parents need not dedicate huge chunks of their day to a place they don’t feel comfortable in, which holds up without that introductory scene. At the end of the day a healthy attitude to exercise doesn’t need to include gyms, pre workout or expensive milk by-products if you don’t want it to, it can be as simple as playing with your kids. Do something that’s fun with people you like having fun with. If you like lifting weights, go to the gym. If you don’t like it, buy a forklift.