Making memories

The Family Outing only exists in extremes. It can be either an absolute disaster or an amazing experience. The only sure thing is that you will create memories together, some amazing memories and some you and your kids will tell a therapist. If your family outing happens during school holidays then you are just asking for trouble, which I did. Then I added more stupid to the stupid pile by organising an outing before my wife had woken up.

Last week during the Christmas holidays I asked my eldest child what he wanted to do. No surprise he didn’t want to go to childcare but wanted to go to the zoo. Specifically he wanted to see the chimpanzees. More specifically, driving all the way out to Monarto Safari Park, 70 km from Adelaide. My wife woke up, filled her in, and we started packing lunches and getting things ready as quickly as we could because it was already 10am. We got everyone and everything in the car and made our way.

If you don’t know Monarto Safari Park it’s hard to grasp how big it is from the outside. The park is 1,500 hectares and they keep proudly telling you that all of the zoos in Australia could fit within it. This is not the brag they think it is, more an indictment of zoos in general. Less than half of the park is accessible to the public, the rest is allocated to breeding and research, but even then it’s massive, so they use coach tour buses operating around a circuit as part of your ticket entry. There are walking tracks to get around the park, but it is through scrub and unsealed paths – not ideal for the elderly, children, and parents who keep finishing their children’s leftover food. 

We got there at 11:30am and the place was packed. No surprise really, going to the zoo during school holidays on the first day less than 30°C was always going to be a bad idea to get there late. The line for the buses stretched from the shelter all the way to the ticket box and stretched out behind us. That’s when we thought we would save time by walking the 1.8kms to the first bus stop on the tour and jump on there. We had a pram that can handle unsealed paths and a pretty placid one-year-old and water and we set off. And then realised we forgot to pack a hat for the eldest child. “No worries, he will sit on my shoulders anyway, so he can wear my hat,” I said. So we carried on and set off again.

My wife hadn’t eaten breakfast that morning, instead, enjoyed a sleep in, and had hoped for a hash brown and McMuffin on the way to the zoo. The rush to the zoo meant we didn’t stop for food and her intentions were not heard until we were 200m into the walk and it was clear her energy was flat. But we carried on, the eldest child on my shoulders and the youngest in the pram. Even though the pram has large wheels and can handle off-road, we realised the baby carrier would have been easier but was at home. But we carried on. My wife quickly became hangry and quiet, so I left her alone and focused my conversation with the boy on my shoulders and asked him if he liked walking through the bush. “I like the school bus”, he replied. But we carried on. 

We weren’t the only ones to think we could jump the line at the second bus stop; a couple had watched four buses go past even before we got there. We had a quick bite to eat, trying to get some sugar into the wife, and then maybe a smile and a conversation that wasn’t “I’m not happy”. A bus pulled up and only had a single seat available. “Any single people?” the tour guide asked. “What about soon to be single?” I suggested, got a chuckle from the crowd and felt the air temperature drop around me. So we carried on walking. 

It was another 2 kms to the next stop where the chimpanzee enclosure is. It is also the old welcome centre and has a cafe and gift shop, now called the Outpost. The eldest child was falling asleep, from the power of my conversation, so we put him in the pram and he passed out. I carried the other child and my wife kept pushing the pram. It got hilly, she got angrier. But we carried on. 

The Outpost was also packed. This did not come to us as a surprise either. There were no tables or chairs or picnic spots within cooee of the building. So we ate inside the discovery centre. The one-year-old sucking down his fruit pouch in seconds. My wife and I had a sandwich each. Packing up our picnic we saw the people we were standing behind in the line finally arrive at the Outpost. Despite the effort, we were certainly in front.

We went to the chimpanzees, had more snacks, and then made our way back to the bus stop at the Outpost. Somehow it was busier. The line for the bus stretched on. In classic family outing hushed voices, my wife and I had a heated debate about whether it would be faster to walk back or wait for the bus. There was a clear answer by my wife was tired and grumpy and wasn’t going to walk… The End. A volunteer was doing crowd control for the bus stop so I asked them how long the wait would be. He said there was a bus at least every 15 minutes, and buses take up from 40 to 60 odd people. “How many normal people?” got nothing. The volunteer thought it would be a wait of 20-30 minutes. No worries, that was faster than walking. However, the volunteer failed to mention that only if people got off the bus, people could get on – there were no dedicated buses heading this way. And when the buses pulled up and the passengers saw the long line, and people still joining the end, they were not keen to get off anymore. And I don’t blame them. 

We stood in line for 1.5hours. With a three year old and a one year old. Not only would it have been faster for us to walk back with lots of rest, but it would still be faster for me to walk back, drive to Adelaide, get my bus licence, steal a bus, pick up my family, go through the court system, go to jail, and get out than waiting for their fucking bus. 

We and the 180 people in the line watched bus after bus pull up, take at most ten people and then leave. The volunteer at the platform kept radioing to the welcome centre for more buses, “there’s lots of angry people here – send help”. They’re volunteers, you can’t get angry at them. Just the system that cannot cope with school holidays. 

When we were finally close to the start of the line – about 30 people back, but that was close – I checked in on the one year old in the pram and he smelled bad and was attracting a plague of flies. Shit I said and found. I told the wife and she said change him here, so I moved away and discovered he had burst his nappy and had covered the pram liner and pram in filth. 

We also had run out of nappies in his size, and had failed to stock a change of clothes for him. Shit. The toddler, covered in poo, also kept trying to grab his penis, because he’s a boy, and made the problem worse. I tried to reduce the poo, plus stop him from grabbing, but also keep back the flies. I was losing. I decided to just stand him up, tucked an arm into his armpits – I would find poo on my arm later – and stripped him. My wife looked over and could see his face and naked body smiling at her. I managed to clean him, put on one of his brother’s shirts and one of his brother’s emergency nappies, which was so big on him it went up to his armpits, but if he was wearing it earlier probably would have saved the liner. 

I pulled out the pram liner but the shit had leaked into the pram, I cleaned it as best I could with wet wipes and my eyes shut. I had a brief attempt at cleaning the liner, but with no plastic bag my options were to stuff the shit covered stuff into the nappy bag or cut losses. And cut we did. I dumped the nappy, wipes, clothes, and pram liner in the general waste bin at the bus platform, inviting all around to enjoy the aroma. The baby almost went in too, but there was no green bin. 

Finally on a bus, we were seated near the front and we were off. The park still insisted they continue on for a quick ride through the rest of the park, despite it being after closing time. The eldest had a great time initially; he found he could see his reflection in the driver’s rear mirror and was pulling faces, was excited seeing the animals, the most we’ve seen him on the bus. He had a special place for the tour guide and kept looking at her and smiling. The toddler was also loving it at first, hanging with daddy, playing with Mummy and his brother in front and the kid behind, trying to hand him toys, but was suddenly tired and grumpy. I passed him to the wife so I could make a formula. She passed him back, but it wasn’t enough and he needed mummy’s comfort. My wife and I did a seat switch but the eldest didn’t want to sit next to me, so I passed him over too. The toddler tried to sleep on the boob, but the eldest child found it funny to poke him and keep him awake. Rage.

Then in the lion enclosure, the dreaded phrase a toilet training parent could hear, “I did a wee”. Fuck. The wife started unscrewing the lid to his drink bottle. It was too full. There was a second emergency nappy in the bag, I caught the toddler being thrown back to me, he started screaming and drowning out the tour guide, and my wife quickly stripped the flood threat and put a nappy on him at a speed I had never witnessed. He hadn’t peed yet. Thank fuck – I was ready to go full Roman and throw myself to the lions. 

The lions were the last enclosure, thank fuck, the bus turned towards the welcome centre, and despite it being late already they still forced us through the gift shop. It was the only official safari park open and was copping a bit of the feedback for the 1.5 hours in a line. We went straight through because my wife was already ordering Korean food we could pick up on our way home. After a day like that, nobody will blame you for inhaling fried chicken. 

If my children went to childcare that day, then we wouldn’t have these memories. You never look back on the successful days as often as the… eventful… ones. Especially to a therapist or case worker. If every cloud has a silver lining, some clouds would have gold and others the lining is bronzed up and attracting flies. At that point the cloud and the lining can get in the bin.

My new show “Russell Hartup is Tired” will be at the 2023 Adelaide Fringe, and is on sale now. Tickets are limited so get in quick – Fringe will be over before you know it.

Tix: https://adelaidefringe.com.au/fringetix/russell-hartup-is-tired-af2023