It’s well documented that kids are expensive, time consuming and disgusting, but the one thing no one tells you is how kids will wreck your back. You could be a bro that lifts or a human forklift that moves pianos for a living, but fishing your child out of your car will tighten your lumber faster than a fourteen year old boy with a bras catalogue (I think bra catalogues are called ‘Instagram’ now).
You can always tell a new parent from their developing back injuries. Babies and all of their paraphernalia are not ergonomically designed; you’re bending, lifting, holding your arms in weird positions, leaning, and trying to open doors with your foot. Babies put on weight gradually, so you never notice the increasing angle your body curves to compensate; I saw a photo of me holding my eldest son and I look like a sunflower that’s given up.
I’ve tried to pay more attention to my back and be more aware of its shape and strain, but as an adult you just get lazy. If I’m cleaning up the play area in the lounge room and packing away Duplo that has spread about the room like gastro at a childcare centre, I’m not going to do a squat every half metre for a 2×4 brick. If you ever watched a toddler pick things up they squat with a straight back – this position is natural, but it feels like overkill, like having your windscreen wipers on full tilt while everyone else has just manually given it a flick.
My youngest son is almost four months old, and I have never felt my back this tight before. It doesn’t help that my wife is 300mm shorter than I am so anything at the right height for either of us is going to fuck the other. For me to bathe the baby I nearly need to be suspended from the ceiling, and if you try to ask a builder to install anchor points in your house and they will look at you like you’re a weirdo. “It’s for my baby” only makes it worse.
My lower back has never been this stiff in my life – sure I’m sitting down more at work and exercising less and have put on weight, but clearly, it’s the kid’s fault. I know what I need to do to get better, but every time I lay on the floor to do exercises and stretches, I get jumped on or I fall asleep. And both of those things are equally more fun than glute bridges and the stark realisation of not being fit and in my 20s.
Russell Hartup 